Find A Way
by Nero Shrimp
Summary: Spencer/Freddie pre/SLASH
1. What's the Rush?

Title: Find A Way

Chapter: What's the rush?

Pairing: Spencer/Freddie pre-SLASH

Synopsis: Freddie is turning 18 and Spencer has been counting down the days, trying to find a way to let his friend know his feelings.

What's the Rush?

Carly bounced her way down the stairs of the apartment she shared with her brother. The years have treated her well and she'd matured into a beautiful young woman. Hips swaying as she entered the living room, Carly tucked her long, brown hair behind her ears. "Hey, Spencer," she greeted her guardian with a smile.

Spencer looked up from the coffee table, his latest sculpture still a mound of paste and clay. "Heya, sis." Taking in the sight of her sequined dress and jean jacket, he regarded her with interest. "Where are you going?" His expression warned Carly of suspicion.

She chuckled, "It's the mixer tonight. Remember?" Shaking her head and smiling, Carly perched herself at the computer on the countertop. "Sam should be here any minute."

Spencer sat back into the couch, wiping gloppy ooze over the knees of his jeans. "What time will you be back?"

Carly craned her neck over her shoulder. "Dunno," she said, scrunching her nose.

Sighing, her older brother reminded her of her curfew.

"Oh, please," Carly sounded exasperated. "It's a school function; I'm not planning on staying to help clean up."

"Good. I expect you home by eleven." He smiled lovingly, but with authority.

The door to the hall opened in a flourish as Sam announced her presence with a sweeping gesture. "How do I look?" A cheesy grin spread across her round face.

Carly smiled, genuinely impressed, "Very nice." Sam had borrowed a silky top from Carly and paired it with dark jeans and heels. Carly grabbed her purse and leaned down to kiss Spencer's cheek. "See you."

Spencer accepted the gesture, but reminded, "Eleven."

Carly shrugged in silent agreement that she would stick to the curfew. "Where's Freddie?" She asked Sam as they stepped into the hallway.

Sam made a face, "He'll meet us there. His mom wanted to give him some kind of talk before the big dance."

Mrs. Benson's weirdness came as nothing new to the girls, so they left for the school without further thought.

Minutes after they'd left, Spencer heard impatient knocking. Looking from his gluey hands to the shiny doorknob, Spencer cried out, "It's open!"

"Hey, Spence." Freddie walked into the apartment dressed for the mixer. He shifted uncomfortably in a dark blue suit and shiny new shoes. A green tie hung loose on his shoulders.

"Wow." Spencer did a double-take to fully absorb the sight of his friend. "You know, the girls are just wearing stuff from Carly's closet. I didn't realize it was a suit and tie event."

Freddie sighed, "It's not. My mom picked this out."

"Oh," Spencer understood. He noticed Freddie's awkward movements. "Ants in your pants?"

With a small laugh Freddie adimitted, "Mom starched and ironed my boxers. Emphasis on the starch."

Spencer couldn't contain a smile. He had known Freddie and his mother for years, though the woman's routine was growing stranger each day. "Lemme help you with that tie." He beckoned his friend over and reached for the silky material hanging around Freddie's neck.

"Thanks, but…" Freddie held his hands in front of himself in a _stop_ signal.

Quickly realizing his hands were covered in glue, Spencer blushed. "I'll be right back." After a rinse of his hands in hot, soapy water, Spencer was back.

He hesitated briefly before reaching out to Freddie again. Spencer's fingers moved delicately over Freddie's shoulders, gathering the tie in both hands. Standing this close to Freddie, Spencer could smell the gel in his friend's hair and the small splash of cologne on his skin. Spencer held his breath to keep his mouth from curling into a goofy smile. Focused on the knot developing under Freddie's chin, Spencer ignored the butterflies in his own stomach. "You know, there's a trick to getting starch out of underpants," he joked to break the uncomfortable silence.

Standing so close to Spencer had Freddie's heart racing, he choked out a response. "Oh? What's that?" Freddie stared at the ceiling, trying to convince himself that Spencer's voice, his touch, didn't turn him on. He told himself the smell of glue and aftershave was definitely not sexy. Spencer's fingers brushed the boy's neck and he shuddered. Avoiding Spencer's eyes, Freddie tried to take a step back.

But Spencer leaned closer, as if telling Freddie a secret, "Do your own laundry."

Freddie paid no attention to his friend's joke. His focus was firmly on the proximity of Spencer's lips and the weight of the artist's hands on his shoulders. "I'll do that," Freddie breathed. Recognizing Spencer had finished with the tie, Freddie glanced around the apartment. "Where are the girls?"

Spencer dropped his hands to his sides, his stomach twisted as he noticed Freddie had grown in to a handsome young man. "Left. Probably at the mixer already."

Freddie shook his head, not really surprised that Sam had convinced Carly to leave with out him. "Guess I should be going, then."

"Yup," Spencer nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. His eyes followed Freddie to the door. "Or, you could stay." The words barely left his lips before Spencer was hit with a wave of guilt and anxiety.

Freddie lingered by the door. Spencer had noticed his feelings were growing more serious toward Freddie in the past months, surely Freddie had noticed something different between their interactions. Spencer held on to a blind hope that Freddie would have similar feelings for him. And even then, Spencer reminded himself, Freddie looked up to him as a mentor and father figure. The young friend may feel used and betrayed if Spencer revealed his true intentions.

Freddie turned, "You want me to stay?"

Spencer gulped and dropped his eyes to the coffee table. His messy sculpture lacked ambition and inspiration. No harm in getting a little time away from work to spend with his muse. "We could do that thing we do sometimes…" Spencer suggested with anticipation.

A laugh rumbled up from Freddie's chest. Spencer couldn't take his eyes off the boy. "You mean, that time I spilled a smoothie on the iCarly server and we had no music for a month?"

"I mean, we can spend time together. Catch up. Man time!" Spencer pounded a fist against his chest to emphasize his masculinity.

"Man time, right. OK." Freddie looked at the sticky living room. He wanted to hang out, but Spencer's mess threatened to ruin the freshly pressed suit Freddie wore. "Can we man-it-up somewhere less artsy?"

"I got a better idea!" Spencer bounded toward his bedroom. Peeking his head out for a moment, he smiled, "It'll only take a minute. I have to find clean pants."

Spencer emerged from the bedroom wearing dress slacks, a jacket, and a stain-free t-shirt. He smelled of cologne and revealed freshly brushed teeth with his smile.

"Where are we going?" Freddie asked as his eyes drank in every curve of Spencer's body.

Spencer smiled at Freddie's interest, "There's a garden gallery showing this week." He moved closer to his friend, "It's supposed to be magnificent at night. Come on, we can walk there."

Freddie planned to spend about an hour with Spencer at the gardens before heading to the school dance. The only thing waiting for him at the dance was a lonely spot against the wall and spiked punch, so he wasn't really in a hurry.

Spencer kept close to Freddie as he led the boy down the few blocks to the city park. By the time they were in line for the gallery, Spencer had his hand resting on Freddie's back. The hand warmed Freddie's skin through his shirt and guided the boy around groups of friends and couples in love. Spencer paid for their tickets and brought Freddie through the maze of sculptures and paintings.

Freddie wasn't really interested in the art, but he couldn't ignore the romantic notes in the atmosphere. He found himself leaning into Spencer's touch and missing its warmth when Spencer moved away. He watched Spencer's face as the older man looked at the art around them.

"This is my favorite place," Spencer said quietly.

Freddie smiled and looked around. The sky shone with the twinkling of the stars, moonlight illuminated twisted metal and carved marble. The paintings seemed to glow with angelic qualities. The sight was peaceful, but there was no mistaking the quiet pulse of energy between people as they trailed through the pieces of art.

Spencer came up behind Freddie and resisted the urge to crush the boy into his chest, wrapping his arms around him and holding him as close as possible. Freddie turned around to face his friend. "This is my favorite place," Spencer said again, not sure if Freddie heard him the first time. "And now, it's perfect.," Spencer's fingers grazed Freddie's ear as he admired the young man.

Realizing he may have gone too far, Spencer cleared his throat and stepped back.

But Freddie wasn't embarrassed; he wanted to acknowledge how Spencer felt about him, how he felt about his best friend's older brother. "Maybe the night makes everything more beautiful."

Spencer wanted to say, _No. You make the night more beautiful._ Instead, he shrugged and walked further into the maze of flowering plants and art. To his surprise, Freddie took his hand and laced the artist's delicate fingers in his own. Spencer closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn't dare look down at their hands between them.

Freddie walked confidently through the maze with Spencer on his arm. Thoughts raced through Spencer's mind. He knew nothing could happen between them. Freddie wasn't yet eighteen and Spencer had practically raised him. There could be nothing romantic between the two. And yet, Spencer's heart ached with the fantasy of Freddie's lips pressed against his skin. He held the young man's hand tighter knowing this was as close to Freddie as he would get tonight.

After the gallery, Spencer walked Freddie to the school. Their hands separated as they emerged from the garden maze and continued onto the sidewalk. They stayed close, but shared few words. Spencer could feel the tension growing in the younger man. Freddie was young, impulsive, and highly driven by hormones. As much as Spencer wanted to act on those impulses, he would force them both to wait. Spencer could tell Freddie was banking on a good-night kiss, just a small one. But as the responsible adult, Spencer smiled into Freddie's puppy-dog eyes. He fixed Freddie's tie one last time and told his friend to have fun.

Freddie was biting his lip and fumbling for words. "Thanks for tonight," he mumbled.

Spencer placed a hand under Freddie's chin, forcing him to meet the older man's eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Freddie's eyes brightened up a bit and Spencer's young friend nodded. They parted without fanfare or excitement. Freddie arrived in the school gym in time to catch Carly in a lip-lock with her recent boy-of-the-week. He stared at the couple, longing to feel lips against his own, remembering the smell of aftershave and glue.

Sam came up behind him and slung a skinny arm over his shoulders. "She's outta your league, Freddie. When are you going to get that through your thick head?"

Sam expected a flustered retort from her love-sick friend, but Freddie was beaming. He grabbed Sam's face in his hands and placed an exaggerated kiss on her cheek.

The girl made a retching sound before punching Freddie in the arm. "What was that for, nut head?"

Without words, Freddie dismissed Sam's name-calling and found a seat in the corner. Freddie was familiar with the shadowed space, having spent many dances alone and lonely. Tonight, a new sensation filled his being. Watching his classmates twirl around the 'dance floor' sent a shiver of excitement down his spine. Freddie understood that someone cared about him as much as, if not more than, those young couples putting their dramatic relationships on display. He knew that what he felt for Spencer was real, deeper than a high school sweetheart.

The hours past quickly as Freddie thought of different ways to spend time with Spencer.

The walk home with Carly and Sam would be uneventful. Freddie silently took Sam's verbal assault and listened as Carly mooned over her latest crush. When Carly invited her friends in for hot chocolate and marshmallows, Freddie resisted the urge to avoid his mother for another hour. Politely declining the invite, Freddie entered the Benson apartment and shut the door on Carly and Sam.

Freddie's mom was perched on the armchair awaiting her son's arrival. "How was your night, Freddie?"

"Great." Freddie placed a kiss on Mrs. Benson's cheek before heading to his room. "Night, mom."


	2. Hold On

Title: Find A Way

Chapter: Hold On

Pairing: Spencer/Freddie pre-SLASH

Saturday morning came like any other day. Freddie dragged himself out of bed to shower and eat breakfast. His mother busied herself in the kitchen, preparing bowls of granola and yogurt for herself and her son. "Well, tell me about the dance, Freddie. You rushed off to bed so quickly yesterday… Did you have fun?"

Freddie shoveled a heap of granola into his mouth. How could he explain that the dance was inconsequential? His night began and ended with thoughts of Spencer. Freddie's palms itched to hold Spencer's hand again. "Same old, same old." Freddie responded vaguely to his mother. 

Mrs. Benson shrugged, "Well, you seem in a good mood."

"I am, mom." Freddie smiled as he munched on breakfast.

Not wanting to push the subject, Mrs. Benson prattled on about errands she had to run that weekend. Freddie nodded and agreed to help around the house like a good son would, but his mind drifted elsewhere. Freddie calculated that he could complete the tasks laid out for him before noon and head over to the Spencer apartment as Carly would be leaving with Sam for their mall-date. This would allow for some quality time with Spencer. Thoughts of Spencer tugged the corners of Freddie's mouth into a wide smile.

Across the hall, Spencer pressed Carly for information about the dance. Who did she dance with? Who did Sam and Freddie dance with?

Hearing that Freddie had spent much of the dance huddled in a corner by himself left Spencer with a sharp pang of guilt. He felt responsible for Freddie's inability to join his classmates on the dance floor. Spencer found it hard to believe when Carly said she thought Freddie had been happy.

Carly had been poking at her plate of berries for the past few minutes before she looked up at her brother. "What happened yesterday? After Sam and I left?"

Spencer became flustered and struggled to ask, "What do you mean?" He took out a sponge and began wiping down the pristine countertops.

"I mean," Carly placed her hand over her brother's, "Why are you so jumpy? Why is the carpet steamer out of the closet? Why does the apartment smell like window cleaner and Lysol?" Sighing, Carly looked into her brother's eyes. "You clean when you're nervous. What is it?"

Spencer relaxed a bit, "It's nothing. Really. I don't mean to worry you."

Spencer kept his eyes on the front door expecting Freddie to walk through any moment. Hadn't he said they would see each other today? Freddie was never one to need a formal invitation, so Spencer thought he had understood. The waiting caught Spencer's heart like a vice as the hours passed sluggishly.

Carly and Sam primped a bit in the living room before heading to the local shopping plaza. Their freshly painted toenails peeked out of strappy sandals as they paraded through the apartment. Freddie's birthday was coming up and the girls had planned to do some gift shopping while at the mall.

"What time will you girls be getting back?" Spencer was lying under the kitchen sink, polishing the plumbing.

Carly swung a purse over her shoulder and grabbed her keys, "Later. We're probably going to catch a movie and dinner before coming home. Want anything while we're out?"

"Nah," Spencer continued his work in the cabinet.

"Okay, then. See ya." Sam and Carly opened the door to see Freddie pacing the hallway. Carly closed her door behind her and approached her friend.

"What's up?" Carly nodded to Freddie.

Freddie stopped in his tracks and looked up. The girls saw that he was covered in dust and sweat. His clothing was stained with what looked like wood polish. And he smelled like a gym bag sprayed with Orange Glo floor cleaner.

"You smell like my uncle Alan." Sam said with a grimace. "What gives?"

"I've been doing house work for my mom," Freddie responded not looking the slightest bit offended.

Carly laughed, "Spencer must have caught the cleaning bug from Mrs. Benson."

"What do you mean?" Freddie placed his hands on his hips.

Sam adjusted the bag on her arm, "Spencer's been playing house-maid since last night, The vacuum cleaner nearly kept us up until sunrise."

"Oh," Freddie looked longingly at the Shay's apartment door. "Maybe I could help him out?"

"I don't know," Carly mentioned, "He's acting a bit out of sorts…" Carly opened the apartment door and leaned in to ask Spencer if he would mind Freddie coming in.

Spencer sat up on the tiled floor quickly, "Uh, yeah, sure." His voice caught in his throat as he pulled himself to his feet. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in the window, Spencer hissed a low swear and splashed water on his grimy face. He used the cool tap water to smooth his hair and wash away the dirt from his face and neck.

The apartment door closed and Spencer's heart picked up its pace. Freddie walked through the living room to the kitchen. He waited silently for Spencer to turn around and face him. The young man knew he looked like shit and smelled to high heavens, but he couldn't help but smile in nervous anticipation.

Spencer turned around to his guest. A wide smile spread over his face. "Hey," the greeting came out in a whisper.

"I was going to come over after I finished my chores," Freddie explained. "They're taking longer than I thought." He wrung out his hands and bit his lip. "I keep getting distracted."

Spencer looked down at Freddie and couldn't help but wonder what his lips tasted like. "I just finished with the sink, if you want to hang out for a bit."

"Yeah, we could hang out," Freddie agreed. He ran a hand through his hair which was damp with sweat. He laughed nervously, "I'm gonna go wash up, first."

"Sure, me too." Spencer added, "Meet back here in a half hour?"

"When is Carly coming back?" Freddie tried not to sound too interested.

"Not til late," Spencer admitted they would be alone for quite some time. "We could meet up later, if you're still working on your chores."

Freddie smiled, "No, no. I'm glad we'll get some time together. Without the girls."

Freddie showered again and changed into comfortable clothes. The outfit he picked out was one his mother would never see. He knew the polo shirt would be deemed by his mother as too tight; but it showed off his toned upper-body as his stone-washed jeans hugged his hips seductively. He slipped on a pair of flip-flops and padded over to the neighboring apartment.

Spencer met him at the door looking equally enthusiastic. His jeans hung low and the t-shirt he wore was Freddie's favorite shade of blue. He smelled like coconut shampoo and floral cologne. Spencer's wet hair fell over his eyes in a carefree style that Freddie admired. Spencer welcomed the boy into the apartment.

"Can I get you anything?" Spencer asked as he led Freddie to the couch. It was awkward, this show of courtesy and superficiality. Freddie wanted to pull Spencer onto the couch with him and run his fingers through the man's hair.

Freddie responded by sitting quietly on the couch and smiling up at Spencer. "Relax."

Spencer laughed, "You're telling me to relax? Oh, god." Spencer crashed into the sofa cushions and threw his head back.

"What's wrong, man?" Freddie swallowed hard and watched Spencer with an anxious intensity.

Spencer heaved a sigh and sat up, "God, Freddie." He looked at the young man next to him and felt his heart tear apart. "I like you, kiddo. A lot." Spencer's hand cupped Freddie's face as he spoke. "But you know we can't be anything more than friends, right?"

The words hit Freddie like a ton of bricks. This wasn't what he expected. Spencer had been giving him all the signals that told Freddie that he wanted to be with him, that Spencer cared deeply for him. "We've always been more than friends," Freddie croaked.

"I know." Spencer removed his hand from Freddie's cheek. "But you're growing up, now. You should be with someone your age."

Freddie screwed up his face in confusion, "No, at the garden last night. That was perfect. I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect night. Why would you throw that away?"

Spencer held Freddie's hands between them and spoke softly. "If you were older, maybe things would be different."

Freddie felt anger boiling up inside him, "Just because I'm seventeen doesn't mean I don't feel the same things you do. It doesn't mean that I can't make my own choices." He could feel his eyes growing hot with tears and fought to keep them from falling.

Spencer didn't know what to say. He hadn't planned to push Freddie away like this, but he could feel himself too eager to take the next step in their relationship. He felt it was his responsibility to pull back and let Freddie be a kid while he was young. Spencer understood that relationships were full of drama, heartache, and passion. He didn't think Freddie was ready to commit to all that so soon. "I'm sorry."

Freddie felt the finality in Spencer's words and allowed his tears to fall freely. Spencer gathered the boy in his arms and held him close to his chest. Freddie shook with sobs and burrowed into Spencer's embrace. "I hate you," the young man grumbled into Spencer's shoulder.

"Hate you, too." Spencer whispered as he held onto Freddie even tighter. He knew eighteen was just a number, but it was an important one. Freddie would be considered an adult, able to make his own choices at the age of eighteen. Spencer would wait and see how Freddie felt then. For now, the young men comforted each other in a mass of tangled limbs and emotion.

After an impassioned shouting match between a crushed Freddie and heartbroken Spencer, the young man crossed the hall to the Benson apartment. Spencer fell back to the couch and clutched a pillow in his lap. He did not have the energy to move from that spot.

Carly found him there when she and Sam returned from the mall, arms laden with gifts for Freddie's birthday.

"Hey, Spencer, want to see what we got?" Carly piled her bags and boxes onto the coffee table and waved a hand in front of her brother's face.

"Sorry, what?" Spencer snapped back to reality. He noticed immediately that he was hungry and the tear marks on his shirt had long since dried.

"Okay, Sam picked this one out and I think Freddie will look like a total babe if he ever has the fashion sense to wear it," Carly pulled out a buttoned shirt with a vest made of light fabric, perfect for the summer months.

Spencer always liked Freddie's goofy fashion sense, and he knew the boy could look sexy when he tried. He nodded to Carly that he approved of the shirt set.

"We thought you could give him this," Carly said, holding out a shopping bag to her brother. "Unless, of course, you had something else in mind."

Spencer shrugged and grabbed for the bag. "What is it?" He reached into the bag and pulled out a bundle of tissue paper and fabric. Unwrapping the bundle was easy enough and Spencer was remarkably impressed by the jacket in his hands. He ran his fingers over the soft-leather motorcycle jacket. He imagined the scent of Freddie's cologne mingling with the new leather smell.

"Do you think he'll like it?" Carly asked expectantly.

"Wow, Carly. How can we afford all this?" Spencer looked at the price tag and gasped.

Carly smiled. "Don't worry, most of this was on sale and Mrs. Benson gave us some cash so we could help Freddie transition from high school geek to college hunk."

Sam laughed, adding, "Mrs. Benson knew it would be an expensive feat. But we were up to the challenge."

Spencer allowed himself a small chuckle and looked back at the jacket. "Thanks, Carly. This is perfect." He replaced the jacket in the bag and brought it into his room. "So what did you have planned for the actual day of Freddie's birthday?"

"Well, we're going into the city on Friday to see a concert and Saturday we thought we would head to the boardwalk," Carly informed her brother.

Spencer froze in place. "This Friday?"

Carly smiled and gave a small nod.

"Freddie's birthday is less than a week away?" Spencer stared at his sister in disbelief. Surely he hadn't turned Freddie away only a week before his eighteenth birthday. A mix of emotions fought within Spencer's chest. He needed to speak with Freddie. He had made a huge mistake.


	3. Take it slow

Title: Find A Way

Pairing: Spencer/Freddie SLASH

Spencer avoided boredom like the plague. He kept himself busy with cooking, laundry, and D.I.Y home projects until Carly returned from school each day. Around four he would wander into town to browse store windows, listen to street vendors, and surround himself with the hustle and bustle of rush hour. With little downtime, Spencer tried to forget his obsession with Freddie Benson. Spencer couldn't believe Freddie's birthday had caught him so off-guard. When he had told Freddie that they couldn't be together it was because he thought 'eighteen' was months away, not days.

Knowing he hurt Freddie for no reason tore him up inside. But Spencer was determined to stick to his guns and wait until Friday to confront his almost-companion. So when Freddie showed up on his doorstep Thursday evening, Spencer found himself dumbstruck and tongue-tied.

"Hey," Freddie said with some difficulty. He looked up at Spencer with sad eyes and shattered expectations.

Spencer's breath caught in his throat as the boy walked forward and slowly wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist. Spencer sighed into Freddie's shoulder and held a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. "I don't want to mess this up," Spencer admitted with a heavy heart.

Freddie took Spencer by the hand and pulled him further into the apartment. Spencer pushed the door shut and followed Freddie's lead. "I'll be eighteen in a few hours," Freddie mumbled, eyes scanning the floor.

Spencer nodded.

"I was hoping I could spend my birthday with you." Freddie glanced over to Spencer with a nervous smile.

Spencer stood across from Freddie by the stairs. "Age is just a number, Freddie. I don't know if eighteen is that much different from seventeen."

"Spencer," Freddie began. He stood with his shoulders back and head high. "I don't care about some stupid number. I have liked you since I was fifteen. For three years I have ignored my feelings for you and pretended not to notice your feelings for me. I don't want to pretend anymore."

Spencer moved a step closer to his friend. "Aren't you scared? This will change everything between us. I can't promise our feelings for each other won't grow stale. I can't guarantee we won't fight or have a messy break up." The older man ran a casual hand over Freddie's shoulder and found his hand.

Freddie held on to it and smiled. "If I was scared, then I would tell you; I'd walk away from this if I doubted our feelings for each other. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I am willing to go through some ups and downs with you."

Spencer's lips curled into a soft smile as Freddie pulled him forward. Freddie looked into his friend's eyes and spoke in a whisper. "We can take it slow," his voice was hoarse with promise and longing.

Spencer shuddered with anticipation and licked his lips unconsciously. "That'd be best," he breathed.

Freddie's face was inches away from his own when a hand reached into Spencer's hair and pulled him down for a kiss. Freddie's mouth crushed into Spencer's with eager pleasure. Spencer's hands found Freddie's hips and held on.


End file.
